Once Upon a Tanbo

Gimme more!

Posted on: October 10, 2007

So here I am at work… I can’t sign into blogger because of the
restrictions so I have the pleasure of mailing myself my entries and
posting them from home. Last weekend (3 day weekend) I went to Tokyo to
celebrate my birthday with Ryohei. As always seeing him makes me feel so
much more. Sadness feels more sad, happiness feels more happy, sleep
feels much more satisfying, food (usually) tastes more delicious. It
sounds like such a sappy and pathetic description but it really feels
true. When I’m here in Kobe by myself, life gets this dreary glaze to
it. Going home to an empty apartment, turning on the television and
while half-watching mindlessly web surfing and eating dinner really have
little satisfaction to me. Of course going out is fun, but it can also
be so tiring. Espicially on weeknights, I feel like an (almost) 24 year
old grandma for saying this, but I just want to be able to go home and
relax and not worry about anything.

Its funny, Pretty much everyone I know will be leaving in a few months,
it makes it so hard to really put a lot of effort into realtionships
with people I know I will probably see maybe only one or two more times
after they leave Japan. Compounding this is I got way over the party in
Japan after meeting Ryohei last year. A lot of the other foreigners
where I live are very much on the whole in Japan for a couple years so
lets party, make hook ups, and have a great time. Believe me.. I know
the feeling aka my study abroad 4 years ago. But now that pretty much
I’ve decided to stay here, at least for the foreseeable future, my
desire to go out and party with a bunch of other foreigners has
signifigantly decreased. Like others in a situation similar to mine
(getting married, starting a family), I want to put down roots and make
lasting realtionships that I won’t have to say goodbye to in less than a
year. When I go out with my friends that I made before I decided to get
married and stay here, I feel like there is an invisible wall in between
us. Like both parties feel that I’m not really one of the gang anymore.
In addition, because I have to financially support both Ryohei and
myself while he is in school next year, when I hear them talk about all
their trips and plans I feel a little jealous, but know because of my
choices that I can’t join them. I wish I was one of those people who was
truly ok with that, but at the same time I still feel lonely about not
really fitting in anymore. It feels like such a juvenile mindset, but it
is a little hard to see everyone moving on and finding their way back at
home while I contiune on, but at the same time I’m happy about my
choices and have no regrets about staying here. I guess, it just feels a
little harder to relate and without Ryohei here to reaffirm WHY I am
staying it is espicially hard to stay positive ALL the time.

I’m thinking about joining an association for women married to Japanese
men in Japan in hopes that its not just me feeling this isolation, and
that I can meet people who will be around for the next few years and
that if I do become close with, I won’t have to say good-bye so
soon.(Notice this trend.. I think that I’m not big on having to say
good-bye haha) I have a couple friends now who I think will be here for
a while and it is a great comfort to me. Espicially not having Ryohei
here now I feel like the extra support that I get is so important. To be
honest I’d love to have a deep and fulfilling friendship with a Japanese
woman here as well, but I haven’t had the opportunity to meet anyone
here who I feel like I’ve clicked with. I feel like maybe its beacue
most women my age are working or either married/child raising and I have
little opportunity to meet them in either situation. It was so much
easier as a study abroad student. I made several relationships that I
treasure still but as they are all in Tokyo its hard to keep as close as
we were 3,4 years ago. It seems like pretty much everything I want is in
Tokyo, but I don’t want to be there.

I really don’t think big city life is for me, espicially Tokyo big. I
like Kobe big, having lot of places to go, but not feeling as though I’m
packed in a sardine case. In the case that one day I live in the deep
dark inaka, I think that will be a challenge as well. I’m hoping that
eventually Ryohei and I end up in Niigata City as opposed to the
isolation of his relatively small hometown (watch as 2 years from now Im
eating my words).

Anyways I think the theme of todays post is isolation. I’ve just been
feeling it so much lately. I guess it doesn’t help that pretty much
everyone I feel close to lives so far away. Even my best friend here
lives about an hour and a half away in Southern Osaka. I guess that I’m
still used to life in Boston where within a 15 minute walk I had all of
my closest friends. I hope that eventually I have the opportunity to
meet more people in the area who will be here permanently. More
importantly.. I hope that once Ryohei comes here in 5 months that I
won’t feel so alone. I was planning to make this entry about my trip to
Tokyo to see him and since it was such a happy and positive experience I
don’t want to stick it in this gloomy post, so I guess I’ll make that a
seperate entry once I feel a little better.

Sorry to be all rant-y, but I guess thats what a blog is for..

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