Posted November 1, 2007on:
I am one of those lucky individuals whoses moods are easily influenced
by the weather. In particular bad weather. Today I woke up to grey skies
and a slight pitter patter of rain. The main thing I hate about rainy
days is waking up to them. I like to lay in bed listening to the
soothing rain sound and be lulled back into a deep sleep, not so much
the case on a Thursday morning where I still had to shower, make a
packet of Chai tea, and get dressed/ready for work.
Despite these obstacles I was off to work and everything was ok, but
then I realized I left my cellphone in my apartment. Since I had just
left the building I decided to go back and get it.. thus adding an extra
4 minutes to my journey and causing me to miss my usual train. However
the train after it is still ok to get to work on time, just a little
more stressful since I usually like to arrive a few minutes early.
I’m starting to get more and more annoyed with the whole fingerprinting fiasco that will
be starting in Japan as of the 20th. It makes me so frustrated, and
although I am planning to send a letter and complain, I fear that it
will be a long time until things anything will be done. I’m not planning
to take an international trip until March so maybe the government will
have started to take some sort of actions by then to reacify what is
sure to be a disaster. For me personally the inconvience of waiting in
lines will be about it (besides the feeling of being degraded just because I wasn’t
born Japanese) but by not even offering benefits to those with PR or
Japanese children…. I hope that they rectify this or abolish the whole thing altogether. (yah right)
The thing is I really like living here.. I’ve thought about, oh what if
I moved back to the states, but honestly at this point there isn’t
really anything driving me to do it. I suppose if I could find a good
job.. but I know anything I want would be out of my league at this
Besides the fact that I wish I could find clothes that fit properly (I have a white girl ghetto booty), and I
wish I could eat international food more often.. I really like
living in Japan. Even if I got a job back at home I would really want
one that would allow to travel back here often.
Anyways, I’m just feeling down. And the gloomy rainclouds outside my
office windows aren’t helping.
I’m so tired of being alone. Every morning I wake up alone. Every night
I go to bed alone. I can talk to a small video box on my screen for
however long I want but its not the same. And its not going to change
for another 4 months. Sometimes it doesn’t feel like things are ever
going to work out and we will be in this holding pattern forever. The
days when we actually lived close enough to see eachother every weekend
seem far and unreal, like they were just a dream. And, the time we spend
together now is so fleeting and also feels unreal. I want the real
thing. I want the coming home and having a person, and the fights and the making up,
and the little things that annoy you, and making dinner for two, and watching a movie to relax and falling asleep halfway through
and mostly not feeling so alone all the time.
Ryohei really is a great boyfriend. But its not great, because hes not
here. And no amount of talking on video chat is going to make me feel
any different. I’m pathetic..
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