Once Upon a Tanbo

Posted on: February 15, 2008

Well after the “excitement” of my mail episode last week, this one
has seemed pretty tame in comparison.

Ryohei and I have been having a couple spats recently 😦 Stupid things
really that I think I can probably just attest to daily stress, but
still frustrating and never timed well. This morning he got upset over
something I said while we were riding the train in to the city for
work and school and I end up crying before coming up to work.

Its not hard to make me cry actually.. I tend to get really vulnerable and sad if I feel like someone is attacking me. As opposed to fight or flight.. I’m more of “freeze” as in just stand there with nothing to do but wipe my tears of frustration while at the same time wishing with all my might the other person wasn’t upset. I guess that I was wrong in what I said, but it was just in jest.. things are fine now. They usually are when we’ve put a little space in between us. We met up for lunch and without really saying a thing about the earlier incident, we got over it. Sometimes you just have to let it go.. I used to always bring problems up until I felt like they were fixed but sometimes I think its not so much about what was said as just give expression to feelings.

Like I said in my last post, we are both in a temporary place delicately walking on a tightrope, trying to balance with eachother and the various frustrations that life has thrown at us. I think the first month was very happy, we were finally together after a long 9 months of seperation and him moving in was probably was the only way that we could have ended up being together… but now its much more difficult than I expected.

To be brutally honest.. its not really me, its him. He has no money since he spend most of his savings on his school to study for a test which we are praying he will pass but who knows maybe he wont… and then what.. I think its the one thing that neither of us want to think about it.

The thing is I just feel like I’m waiting and there is nothing I can do. I played my cards and got him to leave his hellish job and come to Kobe, the rest is pretty much in his hands. Sometimes being in foreign country where the business codes aother things that no matter how much I can speak the language, I just can’t understand. I sometimes wonder if I ruined his life by making him leave his job in Tokyo to come out here, therefore putting a red X on his resume that he didn’t even finish 1
year. I know that the decision was ultimately his, and I should be glad that he picked me over his old job, but part of me feels that until he has passed his test and been secured a job in Niigata, part of him is a little resentful that I took away his security only to leave him financially stripped and dependent on me for his next meal.

I guess that would make most men cranky. If only this would be over soon… but I know that it will be July or August before we have a better idea of where this will be heading.

I’m sorry Ryohei 😦

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