Archive for July 2008
(Warning – Rant-y post)
Once again another long week is coming to an end. Its really true that time flies when you are having fun, and drips as slow as molasses when you aren’t.
I would have to say that this has been one of the slowest months I can remember in a long time. And there is still one week left to go. Its Friday and I would be more excited about it being the weekend, except we have a delegation of people coming in from Australia and I have to be present as M.C. for most of their activities and this includes all day Sunday. We also have more activities on Monday (which means I can’t take a day off which I would have been tempted to do otherwise), so effectively I’m only getting a 1 day weekend. I just want to get away from work for
a while forever. I just feel so… trapped. If I can help it, I will never ever be working full-time ever again.
Also, still waiting for the publishing company to get back to me. I was told the turnaround time was 2 weeks or so from submission and we just hit the 2 week mark today. Until now, I haven’t been expect anything to come so I didn’t really fell nervous but now I know that my results could be coming in any day so I just get nervous every time I open my email.
I’m feeling torn… part of me really really wants to find out ASAP (and pass) because it would mean so many awesome things like being able to work on really cool products in an industry I’ve always wanted to be a part of. At the same time, I’m almost afraid to get that mail because there is a chance I could fail… and then I think I would feel really crushed and depressed, and I could see it just not making current situations better.
It’s funny how people work. Sometimes I wish that I hadn’t found THE THING I wanted to do. Because once you’ve found that dream it’s so hard to settle for anything less. It reminds me of a situation that was brought up in “The Alchemist” by Paulo Coelho which is an absolutely brilliant and inspirational book and if you haven’t read it I suggest you do.
Having found what I want to do, having to stay stagnant in this position has been honestly killing my spirit. It’s been 2 months now since my perspective on life and what I wanted to do started to change and I’m still not much closer than when I started. I realize for some people it takes years to accomplish their goals, but what I want to do is something that is in my grasp and I am more than capable of it even right now. The reason I still get up and go to work every day is to support my family since I’m the only one who is making any money. Sometimes I feel so resentful that Ryohei is just sitting at home all day long (and has been for the past 3 weeks.) I hate to say it… if he doesn’t pass and I have to stay here for a whole other year I just don’t know how I’m going to cope.
I know pretty much everything I’ve written lately has just been a complaint… but really I think I’m trying hard not to let it show (IRL). Honestly this blog is the only real outlet that I have. I can’t tell other people here about it because obviously I don’t want rumors starting before I decided to leave or not, and Ryohei just gets sick of it cause he says theres nothing we can do except wait and that I shouldn’t get so worked up about things that can’t be solved.
On a side note I may have to credit some of this general crappiness to coming off oral contraceptives. I just went off them last week, so my body is a fun cocktail of unbalanced estrogen etc. Haven’t had too much of a hard time besides a splitting headache the first day and “over-whelming” emotions. Its so weird… I didn’t realize how powerful hormones are. Before taking the pill I used to cry and get really upset a certain time each and every month. Since taking them it had completely disappeared, I don’t think I cried or got super emotional at all while I was on them. It really must be caused by the hormones… and now they will be COMING BACK (with avengence?).
Interestingly enough, I didn’t notice this fact until yesterday, but apparently Ryohei said he had noticed almost the first month after I started taking them. He asked me to please start taking them again once we finish having all our children… hmm… am I really that bad??
Ok… I’ll come clean. I really enjoy reality TV.
Most of it at least… its just so fun! And there are so many “interesting” people on there!
Usually I like stuff that is more in the vein of a “craft” of some sort. I enjoy the series you find on bravo like “Project Runway” and “Shear Genius.” I also really enjoy America’s Next Top Model as well.
Of course my absolute guilty pleasure is Big Brother. I have watched every season (excluding 9) in its entirety. I wonder if this makes me a horrible person.. but its just so addictive and I really look forward to it as part of my summer routine. And with the internet its so easy to access! Anyways I’ve rekindled the flame by getting into Season 10! (Oh my gosh can’t believe its been that long!!)
Anyways how much fun did I have tonight by myself with my comfort food (Tuna Helper I brought from home in March and Mint chocolate chip ice cream) and my big brother 10 marathon!!
This was a big dose of Americana and seems to have warded off a little of the homesickness/negative energy I had been feeling lately.
I do get pretty addicted so before the end of the summer there may be more of these type of posts.
Well it’s another 3 day weekend here in Japanland… and unfortunately I’m spending it alone (again). Ryohei’s up in Niigata to take the last of his Komuin tests. He took the overnight train up last night and he’s now in the city.
The city where we could be living in perhaps 2-3 months… well, if everything goes super according to plan.
And so, I’m here feeling fresh and clean after a shower and sipping on some Oolong Tea. I have a lunch date with my friend Miranda in about an hour so I’ll have to head out soon, but I wanted to just write a little bit. Lately, I have so many things running through my mind. All these ideas and whats ifs and everything.
I always write so much about “whats going on” I thought it might be nice to talk a little bit more about thoughts and feeling recently.
As I have mentioned before, if Ryohei passes we are going to seriously consider trying for a new addition to our family beginning after the start of 2009. Before it seemed like such a long time off, but with only about half a year remaining before that time, I’ve been thinking about so many different things.
Its so hard to imagine the love that mother has for a children when you don’t have children yourself. I’ve read forums and message boards and various other resources where people are always talking about how much love they have for the children and how having them has made them find all these new sides of themselves… I think that sounds so beautiful. I believe that the more love that gets poured into the world the better.. but its so hard to imagine it for myself. I didn’t have the most satisfying family life growing up and I’m not very close to either of my parents so I get so jealous of people who “have that.” When I read people talk about their relationships and the support they get from their parents sometimes it makes me just want to cry. Because I know its something I’ll never have… at least not with my parents. I hope to one day have a strong bond with my future children. I want them to know they are loved and that I’m there for them.
I think that maybe even though they haven’t come yet, I must love them even now. But it’s hard to fathom that love. I wonder what it will be like to finally meet them and see them for the first time and watch them grow. I don’t have the natural gift with kids that Ryohei does (although I really like interacting with them), but I think that with my own I would be a good mom… I guess? I don’t know. It’s just this time next year, God willing I may be pregnant. I think about my future kids sometimes, what they’ll look like, if they’ll be cranky or bubby, if they’ll let me get my translation work done by taking nice naps or if I’ll be stressed to the brink of destruction. (lol)
Its something I go over in my mind.. all these thoughts and ideas and feelings that don’t have a form yet. Without having a baby, its hard for me to imagine having a baby… if thats how I can explain it. But, lately when I see mothers and their children I get this pang of longing. Maybe its my love for Ryohei as well… I know he will be an awesome dad. And I’d love to see that part of him.. and I want to see how our realtionship will change and mold.
Sometimes I wonder if the lack of comforting family experience I had when I was growing up influences these thoughts… I’ve never really felt like I had a “family” but with Ryohei I feel so at home, and I hope that our future children will be happy to be ours.
Gah… I’m getting a little emotional thinking about all this. Anyways… thats all for now.
We had a really busy weekend this time around!
I don’t have too much time to make a long update but here is briefly what happened 🙂
On Saturday we went to a baseball game! It was really fun! Ryohei and I live only one stop away from the Kobe teams baseball stadium and it’s only about a 25 minute walk so we decided to go by foot. A friend of ours has season tickets so he gave us free passes to the game! Kobe’s team isn’t very strong but it was still a fun time! They lost (apparently they’ve had a nine game(!) losing streak) but it was really fun and reminded me of when I was younger and my dad would take my brothers and me to our local team in America. I really enjoy baseball 🙂 I hope to take my own kiddies someday! I don’t think Niigata has a team though, but our friend says they are building a big stadium in Niigata City in a few years so maybe by the time I have school aged children there will be a team there!
Sunday I met up with my friends Carrie and Cassie again. As always it was so great to see them! They both have absolutely beautiful little girls who I love playing with!! We went to Cassie’s Japanese friends house (who also has 3 daughters) so there were 5 little girls running aroung! Oh my gosh! It was fun through! They all had a lot of fun… beating on.. er.. playing with Ryohei.
(warning… this gets a little loud)
If you are on my facebook you can see more pics! We’ll be having a BBQ in the beginning of August which I’m really looking forward too! I don’t get to see friends very often so its always such a good treat to be around other laidback English speakers. Of course, I like soaking up mommy advice too 🙂
After playing in Osaka, we went back to Kobe and had a nice sushi dinner. There was a cute hole in the wall 125yen a dish sushi place we discovered and it was delicious! For about 2000yen we were happy and full of sushi. We don’t eat out too often since Ryohei doesn’t have a job but it was fun.
We also bought our tickets for Niigata during Obon. We’ll be there from the morning of August 9th through the evening of August 15th! A whole week at the inlaws! Well we don’t have any issues really so its not a problem. Actually I’m not the best cook, so I really like all the homemade meals my PILs make! While we are in Niigata, Ryohei will find out the results of this court officer test! Hopefully he will have passed and we can celebrate with his family. Last year when we went for Obon was when he told them he was quitting his job and applying for the tests. His parents were actually pretty agaisnt it at that time because it’s so hard and also they didn’t want him to quit has other job. It would be nice if things came full circle and we found out while we there!
Well its time for another glimpse into the ever changing (boring) soap opera that is my life. More good news to report! We found out Tuesday morning that Ryohei passed another one of his first round tests!! Yay! I’m so proud of him… although he also passed by about one point on this one so that means a lot of pressure on the interview. (Its scheduled for the last week of the month)
Speaking of interviews, I did mention it in my comment on the last entry but he said that he thinks he did a pretty good job. I have a feeling he will pass… but unfortunately just passing does not get you a job. They “pass” way more people than they have jobs for since people drop out for another test they’ve passed.
Explanation time (feel free to pass this if its of no interest)
Lets say they are looking to hire about 200 people… they may pass more than 500 people or so. Of course a lot of the top 200 pass a lot of the other tests and will hold out for other komuin jobs, so that leaves a lot of empty spaces, but I’d say that those below #300 or so probably won’t be hired and will have to go through the whole process again in another year. This is why Ryoheis low written test score may hurt him since if he doesn’t do super good on the interview he may be at the bottom of the pack despite all his hard work. Anyways… if he gets an S or A its in the bag, B and he’s got a decent chance depending on how many drop out (but most likely we wouldn’t be going to Niigata where he requested). If he gets a C he would be at the bottom of the applicants pool, and probably… wouldn’t get hired. (I honestly doubt he got a D or an E but in that case he would be automatically disqualified) We’ll find out everything on August 14th… just about one month away!
So we’ve now gotten all the results back for the first round tests he’s done so far. He’s passed 2 and not passed 4. He has one more for his hometowns city hall in two weeks. We won’t know the results of that for a while though, so pretty much we are coming to the end of it all.
Oh, for those of you who don’t know since I posted it all over Facebook and FWC, Ryohei found a mukade (read giant poisonous centipede) in our apartment yesterday. He killed it but now our house doesn’t feel quite as safe to me!! I’m hoping that it was just a fluke and NO MORE WILL COME. I HATE HATE HATE bugs… I think I made that perfectly clear in my post a couple days ago.
Alright, lastly – I finalllllllly have made some progress in pursuing my freelance “big fish.” I sent in a submission to a major US publisher yesterday and will hear back from them in about 2-3 weeks if I can work on their literary translation projects. As.. I am leaning more and more towards leaving my job earlier than planned (more on that in a later post) having steady incoming translation work would be so so so so good.
Alright well, it seems like things, mukade aside, are looking up for now!
Note to self: Dreaming that your husband misses his interview and waking up crying is not the best way to start a Monday morning.
(Not sure if I was crying more because I felt so bad for him or the concept of another year of at having to be the breadwinner)
I’ve always had “guilt” dreams… dreams where I forgot my homework or was late for school or missed work without calling in. I’ve NEVER had one featuring another person’s “miss.” I must really be feeling the pressure of all this… I want a stable life so badly. 😦
(Btw – Ryohei is up and at ’em… I called and made sure)
Ryohei left for Tokyo (again) today to participate in his oral interview tomorrow! Ahhhhh!! I’m nervous for him, but I’m sure that he will do great!! This is what he really really wants to do so I think that he has a good chance as long as he can get it across! I still remember interviewing for JET – I was so nervous, especially while I was waiting in the lobby, but as soon as they called me in and I started talking to my “panel” I remember feeling it all sort of slip away and I left feeling pretty confident! Low and behold here I am!
Anyways I’m crossing my fingers so hard for Ryohei!! I really want him to get his dream job and be happy!! (Much happier that he was with another certain evil company >_<)
Another happy thing! I got paid for my first freelance work today.
Its not a lot.. but everyone has to start somewhere! And it wasn’t too hard so for just a couple hours of my time I was able to make a nice bit of pocket money! I still haven’t had too much luck “catching the big fish” but tomorrow starts another week and I am gonna keep trying as hard as I can.
A not so happy thing.
I am being molested by mosquitos!!! Dear lord.. they love my sweet slightly fat flesh… I must be like a divine juicy steak to them. My legs look like you could connect the dots on them. Ugg I am not a summer fan. I hate being hot and I HATE MOSQUITOS.. and spiders.. (which should be appearing outside soon) Gah.. summer… >_< especially Japanese summer can just kiss my… you know.
So yup… thats about it for me.
This next week should be a fairly busy one. I have “engagements” pretty much everyday. We’ll also find out the results of two more of his tests!
Ok off to watch some more CSI!