Once Upon a Tanbo

寂しいafternoon

Posted on: July 19, 2008

Well it’s another 3 day weekend here in Japanland… and unfortunately I’m spending it alone (again). Ryohei’s up in Niigata to take the last of his Komuin tests. He took the overnight train up last night and he’s now in the city.

The city where we could be living in perhaps 2-3 months… well, if everything goes super according to plan.

And so, I’m here feeling fresh and clean after a shower and sipping on some Oolong Tea. I have a lunch date with my friend Miranda in about an hour so I’ll have to head out soon, but I wanted to just write a little bit. Lately, I have so many things running through my mind. All these ideas and whats ifs and everything.

I always write so much about “whats going on” I thought it might be nice to talk a little bit more about thoughts and feeling recently.

As I have mentioned before, if Ryohei passes we are going to seriously consider trying for a new addition to our family beginning after the start of 2009. Before it seemed like such a long time off, but with only about half a year remaining before that time, I’ve been thinking about so many different things.

Its so hard to imagine the love that mother has for a children when you don’t have children yourself. I’ve read forums and message boards and various other resources where people are always talking about how much love they have for the children and how having them has made them find all these new sides of themselves… I think that sounds so beautiful. I believe that the more love that gets poured into the world the better.. but its so hard to imagine it for myself. I didn’t have the most satisfying family life growing up and I’m not very close to either of my parents so I get so jealous of people who “have that.” When I read people talk about their relationships and the support they get from their parents sometimes it makes me just want to cry. Because I know its something I’ll never have… at least not with my parents. I hope to one day have a strong bond with my future children. I want them to know they are loved and that I’m there for them.

I think that maybe even though they haven’t come yet, I must love them even now. But it’s hard to fathom that love. I wonder what it will be like to finally meet them and see them for the first time and watch them grow. I don’t have the natural gift with kids that Ryohei does (although I really like interacting with them), but I think that with my own I would be a good mom… I guess? I don’t know. It’s just this time next year, God willing I may be pregnant. I think about my future kids sometimes, what they’ll look like, if they’ll be cranky or bubby, if they’ll let me get my translation work done by taking nice naps or if I’ll be stressed to the brink of destruction. (lol)

Its something I go over in my mind.. all these thoughts and ideas and feelings that don’t have a form yet. Without having a baby, its hard for me to imagine having a baby… if thats how I can explain it. But, lately when I see mothers and their children I get this pang of longing. Maybe its my love for Ryohei as well… I know he will be an awesome dad. And I’d love to see that part of him.. and I want to see how our realtionship will change and mold.

Sometimes I wonder if the lack of comforting family experience I had when I was growing up influences these thoughts… I’ve never really felt like I had a “family” but with Ryohei I feel so at home, and I hope that our future children will be happy to be ours.

Gah… I’m getting a little emotional thinking about all this. Anyways… thats all for now.

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7 Responses to "寂しいafternoon"

It’s good you’re thinking through this stuff now. Especially if you didn’t feel that close to your parents, all of those emotions can come flooding in when faced with your own baby and the responsibility you feel towards him/her. I hope that you and Ryohei can start a dialog now about how both of you were raised, the good and the bad. It’ll pay off later, I promise.

Also, parenting is hard and it doesn’t come naturally, even if you were raised “well” or not. I say this to encourage you because you can learn how to become a good mommy even if you didn’t have a good role model.

Thank you Sarah for your comment.

I really appreciate it. We still have a little while to talk about more of the details before we really start trying. Right now I’m trying to spend time with some of my friends who have young children and just see how day to day stuff is for them. (Very tiring seems to be the current theme 🙂 )

I’m really happy that I have met so many experienced Moms who I respect through blogging and other forums since I don’t really know if I’ll be able to ask my own parents for a lot of advice.

Your post nearly brought a tear to my eye… Naoki and I are planning on trying for a baby around March next year, and although I have a close family, I still worry what type of mother I am going to be… So as mummyinjapan said, it doesn’t matter what type of role model you had, you have to learn to be a good mum… and I’m sure you will be a fantastic mum! Hopefully if we have our babies close together we will be a fantastic support for each otherね。

I always wanted kids so didn’t really think things over like you are now – although I did wonder about where all the love for this child would come from – this was even more so for Marina. How can I possible find the love that I have for Shou all over again for another baby??

But its there somewhere.

Your future kids will no doubt give you days where you can put them down to nap and have time to finish work – and there will be days where everything in the world goes wrong and you wonder how you will cope.

I guess it’s all part of motherhood. I’m sure you will be great parents. No one is perfect – we do what we do to get by. I hope my kids grow up thinking they had a good childhood.

I hope Ryohei’s exams went well. Becoming a Koumuin…. hmmmm… guaranteed salary and pension. A lot of ‘extra’ voluntary obligatory shite too – if anything like hub and kunimi town office 😀

We are maybe possibly might try for third baby next year!

Gambarou

Nay – Yes I think we are starting around December or January so if things go well for both of us we could have children that were very close in age! That would be really fun I think, and helpful!

Only a few more weeks until things finally start getting worked out. Its hard to believe!

Gaijin Wife – I have to admit that I def. see some possible similarities in our lives, at least may in the future! We def. want at least 2-3 children and I plan to do freelance translation like you do (your DH is also a komuin?), so your blog has been quite a good read for me.

I’m really excited about one day having my own children.

If you do end up having another one, we may be having similar pregnancy related posts next year as well! How fun 🙂 I’m sure I’ll have quite a few questions during that time!

頑張ろう! indeed!

I never did the whole “trying for a baby” thing and didn`t actually think too much about the implications of bringing a whole new person into the world but I do think that having Joey grounds me and allows me to experience unconditional love like never before. I didn`t have the best childhood because of constant conflicts with my own mother but now that I have Joey, it puts alot of the past into perspective for me and as a result my relationship with my own mother is much better. I think you will be a fantabulous mother and I can`t wait to hear about your journey into motherhood!

Midori – Thanks!! Sometimes I kind of wish that I could be “unplanned” it would kind of take the pressure off.. but I’m so きっちり about protection that the odds are so low.

I really think you are a great mother, you can just see how happy Joey is in all of this pictures! I think you are a great inspiration and I’m sure I may be asking for advice in the future!

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