One week at a time
Posted July 25, 2008on:
(Warning – Rant-y post)
Once again another long week is coming to an end. Its really true that time flies when you are having fun, and drips as slow as molasses when you aren’t.
I would have to say that this has been one of the slowest months I can remember in a long time. And there is still one week left to go. Its Friday and I would be more excited about it being the weekend, except we have a delegation of people coming in from Australia and I have to be present as M.C. for most of their activities and this includes all day Sunday. We also have more activities on Monday (which means I can’t take a day off which I would have been tempted to do otherwise), so effectively I’m only getting a 1 day weekend. I just want to get away from work for
a while forever. I just feel so… trapped. If I can help it, I will never ever be working full-time ever again.
Also, still waiting for the publishing company to get back to me. I was told the turnaround time was 2 weeks or so from submission and we just hit the 2 week mark today. Until now, I haven’t been expect anything to come so I didn’t really fell nervous but now I know that my results could be coming in any day so I just get nervous every time I open my email.
I’m feeling torn… part of me really really wants to find out ASAP (and pass) because it would mean so many awesome things like being able to work on really cool products in an industry I’ve always wanted to be a part of. At the same time, I’m almost afraid to get that mail because there is a chance I could fail… and then I think I would feel really crushed and depressed, and I could see it just not making current situations better.
It’s funny how people work. Sometimes I wish that I hadn’t found THE THING I wanted to do. Because once you’ve found that dream it’s so hard to settle for anything less. It reminds me of a situation that was brought up in “The Alchemist” by Paulo Coelho which is an absolutely brilliant and inspirational book and if you haven’t read it I suggest you do.
Having found what I want to do, having to stay stagnant in this position has been honestly killing my spirit. It’s been 2 months now since my perspective on life and what I wanted to do started to change and I’m still not much closer than when I started. I realize for some people it takes years to accomplish their goals, but what I want to do is something that is in my grasp and I am more than capable of it even right now. The reason I still get up and go to work every day is to support my family since I’m the only one who is making any money. Sometimes I feel so resentful that Ryohei is just sitting at home all day long (and has been for the past 3 weeks.) I hate to say it… if he doesn’t pass and I have to stay here for a whole other year I just don’t know how I’m going to cope.
I know pretty much everything I’ve written lately has just been a complaint… but really I think I’m trying hard not to let it show (IRL). Honestly this blog is the only real outlet that I have. I can’t tell other people here about it because obviously I don’t want rumors starting before I decided to leave or not, and Ryohei just gets sick of it cause he says theres nothing we can do except wait and that I shouldn’t get so worked up about things that can’t be solved.
On a side note I may have to credit some of this general crappiness to coming off oral contraceptives. I just went off them last week, so my body is a fun cocktail of unbalanced estrogen etc. Haven’t had too much of a hard time besides a splitting headache the first day and “over-whelming” emotions. Its so weird… I didn’t realize how powerful hormones are. Before taking the pill I used to cry and get really upset a certain time each and every month. Since taking them it had completely disappeared, I don’t think I cried or got super emotional at all while I was on them. It really must be caused by the hormones… and now they will be COMING BACK (with avengence?).
Interestingly enough, I didn’t notice this fact until yesterday, but apparently Ryohei said he had noticed almost the first month after I started taking them. He asked me to please start taking them again once we finish having all our children… hmm… am I really that bad??
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