Once Upon a Tanbo

To all the commenters

Posted on: September 15, 2008

I just wanted to say a big thank you.
I’m really too tired and emotional drained to be able to reply back right now but I did want to let you know I have read all of them and am trying to get things moved around inside my head.

Pretty much I’ve been given an ultimatum.
Ryohei is in no way willing to turn this opportunity down. To him it is a promise of lifetime work and money in his hometown.
I can either go or he told me we can split up.

And so thats that…

Of course he’s said if you go like being able to go down to Tokyo every month or so… but really.. that seems like such a waste.

I really do not feel comfortable deciding at age 25 what will be the rest of my life. I know Ryohei pretty damn well and I know that at this point in time he is not going to budge on this. Any sort of going back home would be done by myself. He’s told me I can take our kids to America for a year or two so they can try going to school there for a couple years in the future… but really… I’m not sure how much of a viable option that is.

We’ve both been crying so much and I really don’t want to split up. But I just don’t know how strong I am. It just feels like I’m throwing my life away… I just don’t know. I’m considering going for a couple years… but then if it doesn’t work out…?

Anyways I know he’s going… I just don’t know if its with or without me.

I hate myself right now. Why can’t I just get over it… but I can’t. Its my life too and it just absolutely sucks that right now I have to chose between Ryohei and my own hopes and dreams for the future.

I just wish I was one of those people who get so excited over it. I don’t want to be like this. But a future with no more options is ridiculously scary right now. I don’t don’t don’t want to seperate… but there just isn’t a whole lot for me to be excited about…

I wish I wasn’t me right now. I’d much rather be watching from the side.

Ryohei is really really excited and happy… and I hate making him sad. He told me that if we seperate he’ll give me money to return to America and go to grad school since I helped him go through school here. But… I don’t really WANT to go back right now. I just want the option of not having to live in the same god forsaken town for the rest of my life.

So… yah….

Thats about it.
Theres not much more to discuss.

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