Once Upon a Tanbo

Watching Things Fall Apart

Posted on: September 15, 2008

You’ll have to forgive me this post since I’m currently bawling my eyes out.

I don’t even know if it will come across as coherent.
This has been one of the worst weekends I have ever had.

Being along this weekend as the worst thing possible. I was ok during the day.. but every night I have broke down crying.
I wish Ryohei was here and I don’t at the same time.

We spoke on the phone for a little bit tonight. Of course he wants to go.
And of course he thinks I’m selfish for wanting to ruin all his hard work. I told him that I know it was unfair.

But I told him I can’t go… not for more than a couple years. I don’t want to go at all to be honest.
But then again I don’t even know what I want to do.

I’m starting to feel a lot of cracks coming out. And its scary… for the first time ever I’ve regretted getting married so soon.
I should have waited longer, because I think this would have broken us up had we not been married.

Ryohei just screamed at me on the phone and then hung up on me (he did call back 20 minutes later to apologize.. but…)
… I know he was tired and saying that I was selfish to throw away 60 years of security. Maybe I am… but I don’t want to live in the same small inaka town for the rest of my life. I will wither. I can put up with it for a couple years, but thats it.

And then of course I’ve ruined his life. Maybe its true.

I don’t know what to do. He comes home tomorrow so I guess we’ll see then.
I’m so glad we don’t have kids right now… I can’t help but feeling this is all my fault.
I feel like I interfered with his life and that now one of us is going to be so hurt and angry and….

I have to thank both Lulu and TJKR for personally messaging and calling me… I really appreciated it.
It just seems like things are going to get much worse before they get better. I don’t really want to face tomorrow.


10 Responses to "Watching Things Fall Apart"

Oh no! ((((hugs hugs hugs))))
Don`t panic and don`t make any rash decisions. This is the initial reaction (freak out?) and you and your hubs will both calm down and find a way to compromise. That is marriage!
And, if it makes you feel any better, I`m stuck in a filthy city where car bombs go off regularily. šŸ™‚ šŸ˜‰

sorry i haven’t said much until now. i guess i didn’t know what to say so i didn’t say anything. i wish i had some way to make it all work out perfectly, but i don’t. but know that i’m thinking about you guys.

and, i agree with tigermama, don’t make any emotional decisions. it’s like when you get the wind knocked out of you; you can’t stand up right away, you have to lay there for awhile until you catch your breath. i think being able to talk to ryohei face to face will help too. phones and distance always make things harder…

hang in there. don’t give up – you’ll make it through, together.

Hi Sara,
I have been lurking for a while, and I just wanted to say that I am sorry to hear that you are going through this rough time.
As the Tigamama and Jo said try not to freak out or make any rash decisions.
I dont know if it will help, but I wanted to share some of my thoughts with you.
When I was in my twenties, I thought of myself as a city girl and thought I could never make it out in the sticks. But as the years have gone by (now 34), I find myself wishing that we could move to the burbs and live in a real house with a garden with greenery and nature surrounding us. Also as a translator, I am lucky that I can work from anywhere as long as I have the internet and my computer.
Please dont be too hard on Ryohei. I believe he has you and your future family’s best interests at heart, in that he wants to get a stable and well-paying job with security. The country life might now be what you want right now, but it might be for you a few years down the track from now. I think it certainly would be a better environment to bring up kids, which I know you are longing for.
Over the years I have learnt that friends come and go and move, but your real friends will always be there for you no matter where you are.
Perhaps it might be a good idea to write down on paper the pros and cons, the reasons why you dont want Ryohei to take the job, and possible solutions about how you can make this work together.
I tend to be rather emotional and freak out every now and then, and it always helps me to put things in perspective when I write them down. It helps to go back to the list a few days later and see things a little more rationally as each day goes by.
I suspect you might be feeling really lost and negative right now, but dont be rash and just take one day at a time.
hang in there girl!

Hey there… Hmm I really don’t honestly know what more I can add as in advice but what the OP said above is spot on- however, I will say this, aside from marriage being a compromise you still have to in the end do what’s best for you, not him nor anyone else. If you feel that you will be miserable there and you have strong feelings toward that decision- don’t go into something you may regret later- and when the later comes and you just can’t bare it all any longer.. years have already passed- ask yourself what are your personal plans for you, your life goals. I know this sounds selfish but you should come first when making life choices that will effect your well-being, your life, your career.

You’ve had some great advice.I totally agree that you need time to take some very deep breaths right now and let those tears out.Also,it maybe be easier to cope with the current situation by not thinking of the future in terms of more than a few years at a time not a “forever” scenario.Once Ryohei is back,you can start working on a compromise but may both find that you have to make sacrifices ;but hey,that’s what marriage is about and together you’ll pull through.((Hugs)).

I sent you a message on facebook, but I just wanted to send a million and one cyber hugs to you… Everyone has given you such great advice, that I’m just going to stay quiet and just let you know that I am ALWAYS here… my house is always open and you are more than welcome to come – if it’s to chat, for a shoulder to cry, for sightseeing (?) – lol, for anything, I will be there for you!

Oh babe, I don`t know what to say. I hope that you can talk things through with Ryohei and come to a decision that suits you both.

You know I am thinking of you and I will mail you now to check in.

Ryohei will be home by now so I hope you are talking things through. Everybody`s advice is really good and I hope it helps you.

ahhh! I was singed in in Shun`s account! It`s Lulu!

This is the “for worse” part of your for better or for worse part of your vows. Marriage is tying your hopes and dreams to someone else’s. It’s scary and it’s hard and I hope you find a way through this.

Oh no…I’m very sorry to hear that you are going through such a rough time. I would also say to take your time and think, and not to make any rash decisions. You probably both need some time to cool down.

Keep us updated, and hang in there.

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