Once Upon a Tanbo

A Very Frappachino Morning

Posted on: April 2, 2009

Ok get your cheese ready because I have a ton of “whine” to with it. Bare with me I just need to vent : (

Today was a Very Frappachino Morning. This is a special category of morning because it means it was very bad and that I can only gain a glimmer of happiness from an overpriced sugary iced coffee beverage. There’s a Starbucks on the way to my work but because of the price and the fact that I’m usually running late anyways I usually only get one on Fridays… sort of like an “otsukare-sama!” for the week. However – some days I am in such a foul mood that without a little bit of a pick me up I feel about ready to bite the head of anyone who so much as looks at me.

“But Sarah?” you may ask… “Whatever has made you feel like this?” My answer: nothing and everything all at once.

I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned that Ryohei left for his new job on Monday which would make it Day 4 of being a “single pregnant woman in Japan.” In other words – not fun. I think most of it is the loneliness – for better or worst Ryohei and I had been living together for over a year and despite the fact we did 9 months of long distance before it feels so painful and sad to come back to an empty and cold house. As easy as it is to “cook and eat” for one now… I miss talking and especially HATE sleeping alone at night. I get spooked really easily and since I get up to pee at least 2 times a night its very unnerving to go back to a completely dark and empty bed. I haven’t been sleeping well at all and have been getting up more than ever (I think 6 times last night) and then realizing I’m all alone. Its so depressing.

I’m not going to even get into everyday chores. Lets just say that everything I used to get done through out the week is being allotted to Saturdays.

Work is work… the only person that I really like from my department was transferred out yesterday. He was a nice guy and now the only people left just annoy the crap out of me and grate on every nerve. I’m so sick of hearing Japanese everywhere I go and the stupid “polite” crap which is just a façade anyways. I’m just angry and hormonal and just want to be left alone. Sitting at work doing nothing for 7 hours a day 5 days a week is not helping the time go by.
Oh but theres more as well… you didn’t think I was going to be done so quickly. I’m really annoyed with Ryohei as well. Maybe not for a just reason – but still annoyed. Yes – rational Sarah knows he is starting his new job (yesterday) and getting settled in, but rational Sarah sort of left the building about 24 weeks ago and in her place hormonal and somewhat bitchy Sarah is temping. I am just getting so annoyed with him and his lack of contact… and when he does he seems so distracted and I hate it. I’m pissed because while I am all alone he is at least with his parents and doesn’t have to worry about not talking to anyone else or washing his own socks or whatever. He has his stupid new car and his mommys handmade bento and all he has to do is drive to his stupid new job and do the same crap that everyone in my office does. Oh and the kicker to this… he casually mentions to me yesterday that he may have to work some weekends in his department but “promised” to take some weekdays off to make up for it. (We all know this is Japan and that isn’t happening so I should pretty much resign myself to raising BG all alone while her daddy turns right back into the work-a-holic he promised would never exist again when he quit his job in Tokyo.)

Also – my hating the inaka and not wanting to go there is in full bloom again. Maybe because its actually so close to happening now (a month.) I think it so unfair I have to leave all my friends and comforts of the big city to move to a place full of baa-chans and jii-chans and nothing but rice paddies. Yah – I have a baby on the way to keep me busy – but shes not going to always be a baby. I’m bitter about it.

So… I’ve gotten that all off my chest but I still don’t feel better. In fact I feel like breaking down and crying – but I can’t because I’m at work. And *gasp* who could be so rude to actually cry at the wonderful Japanese institution of the holy office place. So I will sit here for the next 6 hours… stewing on the inside and probably poisoning poor BG with my thoughts of malice directed at my job, her father and her country of birth.

Most of you have probably run of screaming by now which is fine… I realize that I’m being a bit over dramatic… but the truth is I really feel crappy and alone and its not ending anytime soon. I guess the hormones aren’t helping either… and I need another 10 Frappachinos or so…

Maybe at lunch…

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8 Responses to "A Very Frappachino Morning"

I`ll buy you a frappacino after the baby shower on Sunday and you can vent away….let me know if you need anything.

I am with Sassy- while I can not buy you a frappacino (or umeshu!), if you buy one yourself you can hop on skype and vent to me (lol, actually we were just venting five minutes ago but went to have a shower!)

It sucks, big time.

Hormones also suck- but at least at the end you will get BG!!

Try to have some faith in Ryohei, even though it is hard- he loves you and bg and he will do what is best for you all in the end!

Take care, and in the meantime feel free to vent away.

Don’t worry, all the thoughts won’t poison BG. From month 4-7 of my pregnancy with my first, I was a single pregnant woman. I used to go to prenatal swim lessons at the Y and have to listen to all the other mothers to be talk about their husbands, and their lamaze classes they were taking with their husbands, etc. etc.

I had totally psycho days–crying jags, rage, you name it. It is hard to be on your own when you are pregnant, especially if your culture promotes this dream of a couple “experiencing the pregnancy together”.

I remember, flying home from my folk’s house (I went to visit them for three days) when I was in month 7 and a male friend from graduate school coming to the airport to pick me up. Poor guy. I burst into tears at the sight of him (wrong guy picking me up to my pregnant hormonal mind).

If Frappacinnos help–drink ’em! If your co-workers annoy the hell out of you, play co-worker shit bingo. Make up a bingo card. In each square write something a co-worker may say or do that will annoy you. Then, while at work, when they do it/say it, you get to mark that square. (This is a different take on Oprah Winfrey’s dysfunctional family bingo game for the holidays). I love it, but then maybe I am not the most normal of people.

Or make up your own lyrics to a song. . . when I worked at the English school factory of hell in Yokohama I made up mock lyrics to the song, “I hate people” from the musical Scrooge.

Wish, wish, wish, I lived close enough to take you out to Starbucks! Hang in there. And don’t forget to go out and buy A LOT of good comfy pillows for the nights alone–those long pillows that you can wedge between your legs when pregnant so sleeping on your side isn’t so horrible are lovely. I am still in love with mine.

Sorry it got so long–I just can so empathize with what you are going through.

Laura

Hmmm. thought I should add-that the reason I was on my own from month 4-7 of my first pregnancy was due to DH having to go back to Japan to register our marriage (and actually break the news to his parents that we had gotten married; they had approved our engagement but had no idea we’d gone ahead and tied the knot, much less got a little bun going in the oven!) Plus his dad was hospitalized while he was there, so everything got dragged out.

Laura

Oh Sara. The only way is up. Could have written that blog before!! I was still working in Beppu and living apart from hub for the first six months with Shou – and for all the shite before that of course.

Weekend work comes with the territory I think – hub is working this Sunday. SIGH. Put your foot down about him taking the time off from the start. That will be a trial too though as starting a new job in Japan never really allows for easy-to-take-leave.

Living in the country – for all I rant and vent – actually has a lot of good bits. Nice walks, clean air, free veges (even if it is a hundred daikon in one go) and I think a somewhat safer environ and smaller schools for our kids. Less choice when they get older of course but will worry about that then.

Big hugs – I know what you mean about the sleeping thing. I’m not a good on-my-own-in-the-house sleeper either.

If you feel the need to come and experience some inaka before you go just so you can see it isn’t all bad let me know – I will lock Granny K in her room for the weekend.

🙂

I don’t know if you remember (had we “met” when I was pregnant in ’07?) but when I was about 35 weeks along my FIL got really sick and ended up dying, which meant that DH was away from me in the countryside for quite awhile and I hated it, and of course, I felt like a bitch for hating it because was his father’s funeral for goddsakes, and I really should have been more supportive, but pregnancy turns you into an irrational, crying, hormonal bitch. During that time I watched loads of DVDs, started playing WoW again, and spent a lot of time venting on FWC. It really sucks being alone when you’re pregnant, I think especially the first time. Its kind of scary and lonely and if you’re anything like me you just go “what if ____ ” all the time in your head. I would try and spend as much time with friends, either in person or on skype or on chat or whatever, as possible, just to kind of get out of that mindset. It sounds like you have a great set of friends in Japan, I wish I could fly out and keep you company too!

So anyhow, don’t feel bad about bitching. I think a lot of your concerns are valid, for what its worth, even if they aren’t quite as awful or all-encompassing as they seem, they’re definitely not petty or stupid, they’re your feelings, so don’t feel bad for having them. There are a lot of bridges you’re just going to have to cross when you get there — BG will be a baby for quite awhile, so focus on her for the time being. The rest just take one step at a time. And I think Lulu is right, Ryohei loves you and wants to see you and your daughter happy, so you gotta have faith that he’ll do what it takes to make that happen. That’s what husbands do. I know it seems like he’s been a bit pampered up till now, but he’s about to be a dad, and that means putting you and BG and your happiness first, always. I’m sure he’ll come through.

And have as many Frappachinos as you want, babies love Starbucks. 😀

Sassy – Yay. the baby shower is the highlight of my weekend since it means HUMAN CONTACT. (subcatagory: non Japanese)

Lulu – Thanks for letting me vent to you on Skype. I never really feel comfortable doing it… but it does help. You are right, I need to believe in Ryohei – I am trying to, but it can be hard.

CGG – OMG I love your idea of the bingo game. I am going to start that from next week!! Sorry to hear you had to go through this as well – and what a surprise your parents in law must have had coming to them (lol)

GW – Clean air is always nice… must try and think of some of the positives of it. Of course hormones and just feeling bleh in normal makes that hard. Be careful what you wish for ~ we are most likely planning a Kyushu vacation later on in the year and one of the spots we plan to hit up is Beppu…

Jess – Wow I do remember hearing your husbands father passed away but not when you were 35 weeks pregnant. I can imagine the state you would have been in… especially feeling guilty about being so upset. Good to know that its perfectly natural. You are right like I said I know I was being a bit overdramatic in my post.. and yes Starbucks in my friend. When we move in with my parents in law next month I will be quite far from them so I need to get in all I can now and pray BG isn’T going to be a caffine junkie like mama.

I heartily believe that sometimes Starbucks IS the best medicine 🙂

I don’t blame you for feeling frustrated and upset. I think it’s hard enough when we have to make sacrifices to live away from “home” as foreigners in Japan. Add to that the stress of a pregnancy, move, time away from your partner and sure enough, that’s a recipe for making one want to cry. Hopefully this day finds you feeling a little better 🙂

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