The Darkest Hour is Just Before Dawn
Posted on: April 25, 2009
I am freaking out… not in the running around tearing things off the walls and boiling bunnies in big pots of water a la Fatal Attraction.
But I am feeling very very emotionally unstable right now. Maybe because its 1am.. and I can’t sleep, maybe because my husband decided that watching videos online was more interesting than talking to me, maybe because a 1 kilo baby has somehow managed to squish my bladder and ribs at the same time.
Right now everything is not ok.
I am not an irritable or cranky person – but I sure am right now. As I sit here typing this in the dark sending out angry energy to whatever is around.. (nothing – since of course I’m alone —– wooo hoooo)
Maybe when I wake up this blog will be the only remnant of these out of character yet very real feelings.
I had a crap day today… when I came home I just wanted to be alone. I wanted to run away but crawl into bed and just stay there.
But even my bed has turned agaisnt me now as finding a comfortable position seems to get harder and harder and my mind flays endlessly as a million thoughts about moving, becoming a mother, and leaving all the familiarity of the place I’ve lived the last 3 years flood my mind like a broken kolidescope.
I want to cry since that will help but I’m too frustrated to get the tears to come out. Theres nothing to be done, nothing to talk about… and no one around at this hour to talk to anyways.
This is all really getting to me right now – the stress, the worry, the feeling that all at once everything I’ve known is getting flipped on its head. Not just having a baby although the fear and terror of the unknown is starting to get to me… but seeing Ryohei again.. as its been almost a month now and obviously he’s handling things a lot better than me. And why shouldn’t he be… he’s been enjoying himself so it seems and despite how much he dislikes them, mommy and daddy are there to cook and clean and look after him.
Apparently he doesnt want to “move out” when its cold and snowy and wait until next Spring… which is absolutely not what I want to do. I’d prefer not to live a year with my in-laws esp. trying to raise our daughter bilingually.. but of course thats not a concern to him – since heck he’ll be able to communicate with her since she’s gonna be living and breathing Japanese all frickin day long.
This isn’t me.. well not 100%.. I’m sure some of this has to be hormonal or otherwise.. but that doesn’t make it feel anyless painful and lonely.
Once Upon a Tanbo 