Once Upon a Tanbo

Back to the inaka…

Posted on: June 5, 2009

….

I’ve spent the last 5 minutes staring at at blank “posting screen” as I keep spacing out on what to write. So I figure I should try and get something written… I don’t remember if I have anything to do today. It looks like we are getting into tsuyu (the rainy season) which means going out for really long walks is sort of out of the question. I might go out in the afternoon if it clears up a bit.

Looking forward to it being the weekend tomorrow since that seems to be the only time anything interesting happens around here. I’ve been trying to hold on to my “happy feelings” from my couple days in Tokyo but all feelings of happiness and positivity seem to fade to grey when I’ve spent a couple days back in this “half-life.”

We have decided to sign our contract starting the 21st of June so about another 2 weeks until the apartment is actually ours – baring nothing horrible happens at our meeting with the realitor tomorrow. There wasn’t really a point to entering any earlier since the only time we can really move is the weekends and thats the first weekend that we have time to start bringing boxes and stuff. Its also a month exactly before my due date.. haha. Oh well guess thats how its going to go.

Although my mom hasn’t written back to confirm I think she will be coming August 3rd through 19th to help out and stay for Obon. I guess what we are thinking is that if BG comes early I will stay at Ryohei’s family house after getting out of the hospital until my mom comes. So.. hopefully she will come due date or later which means that I will only have a few days back here… this place just makes me so depressed so I’m not exactly looking to come back and stay for a long time once we move.

Hopefully Ryohei will help out but I doubt he’ll be able to take more than a day or two off work since he just started… plus he has to take an afternoon to come with me to a “pre mama lecture” class at my clinic if he wants to attend the birth. They conveniently made that on a Tuesday afternoon… I’m guessing they don’t have a whole bunch of husbands showing up. Oh well, if I’m going to be pushing a watermelon size baby out of my lady parts Ryohei is going to be there to at least hold my hand.

I wonder if he will be very helpful… he’s already asked me if I am going to be making his bento when we move. I told him probably not with a newborn. Is that reasonable? I can imagine that feeding myself and the baby is going to be enough of a challenge for the first month or two.

Please tell me that there is a stage at this point where the whole being pregnant and having a baby thing doesn’t seem as exciting anymore. Lately I’ve been thinking fondly of the “past” when it was just the two of us… I don’t know BG yet besides her constant stretching in my tummy and while its sort of cute… I’m not feeling particularly in awe about not being able to sleep and feeling more like a beached whale then a pregnant lady.

I guess I just have too much free time while I’m here. I did some baby clothes laundry yesterday which was… fun? It was just laundry – very cute pink and tiny laundry – but still laundry none the less. I also had a headache inducing talk with MIL. I just wish she would leave me alone but it seems like she always wants to have tea or whatever when she gets home from work before Ryohei gets home from his work. At this point I’m sick of the innane conversation… like her telling me we don’t need to change our address from Ryohei’s family house even when we move since “we aren’t going forever.” Umm.. we are going for at least a couple years and believe me if/when we do move again its not going to be BACK TO THIS HOUSE. She was also going on at me about what I will be bringing to the hospital and the fact that I didn’t know since the clinic hasn’t given me any of that information didn’t seem to satisfy her.

I’m also sick of the food here again. I just made Ryohei take me to Jusco yesterday to buy bread from the bakery instead of eating raw fish (wasn’t feeling it yesterday although I can normally eat it) and nimono (which I tend to think is pretty gross in general)

Spending time with Ryohei last night was nice (rememeber he was gone the night before) but its the only time that I’m happy when I’m here. I was so genki when I get back from Tokyo even my MIL commented on it.. but now I feel like I’ve gone back to inaka blues. Being back in Tokyo again hit home how wrong it is for me to be living here. I thrive in big cities love the people, the selection of shops, the trains, and accessibility to friends. Here there is none of that… I wonder if we’ll ever be able to end up in a place like Tokyo or Osaka again… 😦 I miss that atmosphere so much. I think I am in denial that I am living here… my life doesn’t feel like my life. And I think feeling disconnected from everything and everyone is one of the major sources of my inaka blues.

Maybe having the baby will make a difference, but I think coming here was still a huge mistake.

PS – Sorry to be back the complaining so soon… believe me I am not a huge fan of myself and wish I could “get over it.” I have a lot of self-dislike for myself due to the fact that I just cannot adjust, but like you can’t force yourself to love someone… you can’t always force yourself to love someWHERE either…

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12 Responses to "Back to the inaka…"

Wow. Can we have tea and a virtual chat/ bitch fest? I wish my kitchen was closer to yours!

First- don't get down on yourself for being down. I am a big fan of validating feelings. So 235 million billion people are loving life in Tokyo? Doesn't make the fact that I'm not any less valid a feeling. (Swap deep inaka for Tokyo and remove million billion from the number and it works, right? ;P)

Second- late pregnancy sucked for me. Lots of women rave about a sense of inner calm and peace and oneness (twoness?) with the world and that's great. Wonderful even. But for me I just felt the size of a house, out of breath, fatigued and increasingly panicky. Aggghhhh! What if I change my mind? What if I can't do this? Will I ever go out dancing till dawn again??? And while I never experienced the post birth euphoria/ I forgot all the pain the moment I saw my baby's face (damn, I missed all the good stuff, huh?) having a baby in my arms put everything in perspective and reminded me I get panicky about all the big stuff in life. And I intend to go out dancing till dawn the very first time the girls sleep away from home. You'll probably hear about it on the news 'strange drunk dancing abba singing foreigner arrested in apple field'. 😉

Third the rainy season has started. I know the officially sanctioned and announced on tv so we can mark our calendars rainy season hasn't started yet but give me a break- it's rained everyday for a week, the world is soggy and grey and blah, let's just call it the rainy season and get it over with!

And if misery loves company here's one for you: I will be spending an hour and a half this afternoon walking around and around the kinder ground IN THE RAIN practising road traffic safety with the girls and 198 other kids. Oh fun. Seriously and hour and a half?????? AGGHHHHHH!!!!

Sorry this is quite a book by now. Hope you have a fab weekend!

And I'm with you on nimono- when you flavour it with soy sauce and sugar and boil it to death it tastes the same whether it's beef, pork or yellowtail so why bother???

Fuka – Sounds like you aren't going to be having a 10 star day either! I can imagine 20 minutes would be a pain but an hour and a half?! Yikes and good luck.. we will get our kitchen bitch session eventually… hopefully at yours so I can try out the pizza oven (LOL) I can trade you some Koshi Hikari rice or something in return 😉 Yes – that is precisely why I dislike nimono… the subtle flavors of whatever is being boiled are totally wiped out by the soy sauce/sugar combo. I think I ate the nimono carrots because they still had a bit of the natural sweetness left but all the other stuff looked so unappatizing.

Thanks for ranting a bit on here.. I hate to go so far as to say misery loves company – but I think I've been monopolizing complaining on the blog circuit lately ;/

I remember having a few days in my pregnancy, mostly later on, where I actually cried to think about the life that I was leaving behind. I mean, of course it is way too late to change anything, but the idea of being a "mom" along with "wife" and having that sort of become your identity is very daunting. I felt awful for feeling that way too, especially when it seemed everyone else was just sooooo happy and soooo blessed and glowing and all that, and I was like, "what have I done??" Luckily the feeling is mostly temporary, although occasionally I feel nostalgic for my old life, sure.

I don't know about the bentos (does Ryohei's mom make his now? That is sort of groan inducing in and of itself), it seems like most wives of Japanese guys — foreign and not — do this but if it were my husband, he's perfectly capable of slapping a lunch together, you know? He's an adult. And to be fair, my husband cooks more, and better, than I do, so probably no one would be nominating me bento maker anyhow. Maybe you can put *your* mom in charge of Ryohei's bentos when BG is just born. Would that be cruel? hehe

It sucks Ryohei gets such limited time off, although I guess it isn't particularly surprising. I guess paternity leave hasn't quite caught on over there. 😦

Finally, don't feel bad about ranting. I hate where I live too. Beijing sucks, and I want out. If I could easily access my blog these days, I'd probably write more about the crap city I live in, the ambiguous state of my employment, financial worries, the lot. That's practically what blogs are for, right? But don't think your feelings are unreasonable — I'm with fukase-san again, your feelings are valid no matter what.

Don't beat yourself up for not loving the inaka, it's not for everyone right. If you were complaining and not doing anything about it that would be different, but you've been proactive, made an effort to change your situation and are trying to work through those feelings, that's the most sensible way to do it! I would probably just cry!

I often look back fondly on my days with no responsibility/ screamin bub/ dirty nappies/ laundry…etc. And I feel guilty when I do, but then Ash will give me a little giggle or stretch and fart at the same time and I will laugh and realise I'm making new memories that I will probably miss when he moves out of home. I guess that's just the way the cycle goes, it just takes some getting used to the differetn stages.

I would be telling Ryohei to stick his bento where the sun don't shine and giving 500 yen and directins to the conbibi at least for the first month, I found it almost impossible to do anything else except stay awake and feed the munchkin attached to my boob 24/7. But you may be super mum and be able to do it!

Hope the realtor meeting goes well! Happy weekend!

There's absolutely nothing worse than hating the place you live! It effects every other aspect of your life.

Home is supposed to be your safe haven, the place you can retreat to and hide in, finding comfort and relaxation. That's all impossible when you're doing everything possible to stay away from home because you hate it so much! I felt that way about Tampa, and I didn't have all those raging pregnancy hormones to deal with either! It felt like my whole life was on hold, waiting for the day we could finally leave and start our "real life" somewhere else.

And it doesn't take months and months of "giving it a chance" or "trying to make it work" to know you'll never be happy somewhere. Sometimes you know from Day 1, and no amount of time or effort is going to help, usually, it'll just make things worse!

Don't beat yourself up for any of your totally natural, and perfectly understandable, feelings!

Less than a month to go, and you'll be settling in to your new place! Hooray!

Need help moving? I'll bring lots of yummy food 😉

Sara, you are at it again… the drama, all the drama!

I am having a – 5 star day, week and up to my ears in laundry that I can't see the floor, my dryer just broke as the rainy season started and it is tad humid, but cool, stuffy.. don't like it…

Inaka is not for everyone, I think you have to truly love your place, be it in the Inaka, Suburbs or the city, there is one thing about "making the best" of it and another about "totally hating it"!

Without a happy atmosphere, can you you be happy? Our home has to be our sanctuary, did I tell you I went insane when my husband had a blue toaster in my "ALL WHITE" castle… okay.. I am slightly OCD on interior but you know what I mean…

I can make the best of the situation, like living in Japan for example…obviously shopping helps.. but you have to be in a place you love, atmosphere, exterior, etc.. without that…

Of course, you are not happy, I would not be happy either and as selfish as I am, I would have picked up and left.. kudos for you sticking it out this long.

Okay.. so let me add to the bad day… my husband just called and said he will be home early, he had a headache and wants to throw up but assured me it is not the FLU (just in case I try to hose him down with anti-bacterial gel)… I am one of those insane anti-germ types.. again my OCD well. I had the flu a few times and I don't like it.. so add that on top of a dog who is sick, was sick….

I don't have anymore rooms left to separate these guys– family

What the hell is the raining bringing… I think it is time we put our ipod on and listen to happy tunes.. don't you?

Jessica – Sorry to hear you aren't enjoying where you live either!! I wish you weren't being blocked tho, I really enjoy reading your posts – even if they are just ranting… Yah Ryohei gets a bento from his mom now – he didn't get one when we lived in Kobe. haha.. but we had a bit more money then so he could be his lunch every day. I suppose he will just have to get used to eating left overs until I become super wife/mom enough to whip something up in the morning.

Corinne – Yah, it must be such a transition.. I still can't imagine it. How were you feeling the last few weeks of pregnancy – I feel sort of horrible but I don't really feel this huge bond with BG yet. Maybe once she is out… at this point she is just the lump is my stomach which makes it impossible to sleep 😦

Slime – Thanks for the commiseration… I know I dislike it here, but I am hoping that I will have less dislike for the city we are moving. So only a few more weeks of this absolute blahness… I think once I can start cooking again and arranging furnature/baby stuff/dishes… I will feel better, I'm a bit of a control freak.. or at least need to feel like I'm the queen of my domain. MIL rules the roost here so it has been really really hard to adjust after 8 years of being the sole lady of the house.

GJ – Sorry to hear you've been having a bit of a bad day too… sick puppy, sick hubby… no fun at all. The rainy season does make it worse too.. Hahaha yah I'm patting myself on the back for not running away too. Well at least when I felt like it a few weeks ago… We will see though – scheming to get to a big city will probably never be far from my mind! Oh well like I said – at least being able to cook what I want when I want will help. hugs that all the members of the GJ family feel better soon

oh please don't apologize for complaining on your blog. isn't that what it's for?? if not, i better shut my blog down… 😉

it's very scary, this whole becoming a mother thing. your whole life will change. and you have NO IDEA what it's really going to be like, and no one can tell you. i had more than one thought of what i'd be missing, how i would change, perhaps things i could never do again. i think most of us do. it's natural! maybe it's selfish but i say, if we're not selfish, even just once in a while, we'll never survive! soon you'll be moving, how exciting!!

Ha- the fact that Ryohei was asking if you would be making his bento doesn't bode well… I would definitely be telling him where to stick that idea. HE should be offering to cook for you in the first month as seriously, the chances of you feeling up to doing anything more than sleeping and feeding the baby are SLIM. You need to explain it to him (and if it doesn't work, send me his e-mail address and I will explain it to him! LOL!)
Never complain for venting on your blog. THAT is what blogs are for and most of us use them that way at various points of life. Complaining is good for the soul.

Illahee – Yah.. i've heard its natural to grieve a bit for your "old life" so I suppose I don't feel too bad about it. Its not like I don't want my baby, I'm just realizing that doing what I want will be coming to halt for the next… xx years or so. A bit hard to fathom really.. Thanks for making me feel a bit less guilty, its nice to know others had the same feelings.

Midori – I will keep your email on speed dial? I don't think Ryohei is being a jerk as much as he doesn't know JUST HOW MUCH EFFORT goes into a baby.. heck I don't really even know. If he turns into monster husband after the baby is here I don't know what I will do… 😦 But – he is really really good about helping with other chores so I think it will be fine. He's just going to have to adjust to me putting the babies needs first – at least for a couple months.

Don't feel bad about the not bonding thing. I didn't feel any bonding in the last few weeks, I just felt a squirming little thinginside me but I couldn't imagine it being a little person. To be honest I didn't feel a real bond until he was about a month old, when he started to respond and get his own personality. You know in the movies how when the baby is born and handed to the mum and shes all teary and instantly in love? I never felt that and i didn't cry (only tears of relief it was over)! Some women feel it and some dont but it will come eventually. I think its different second bub around but for the first it's completely normal.

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