Once Upon a Tanbo

Not Better Not Worse

Posted on: July 25, 2009

Can’t sleep again although this time its not only no baby frustration but car damage worries as well..

I guess Ryohei and I are on better terms than a few hours ago when I wrote my first post. I tend to get angry and then be ok when I “cool” down although I am FAR from happy about the events of the evening. I do feel annoyed with Ryohei since he should have been more careful and its not like that pole jumped out of nowhere….


He’s sleeping curled up on the futon making the exact same face as BG in this


photo we got 20 weeks ago and muttering “kuyashii” (roughly – this really sucks) in his sleep. Its a bit pathetic really but I’m a big softy so I’ve been giving him a bit of a back pat/cuddle.

Oh by the way my prediction was off yet again – I had thought I would go into labor Friday night/Sat. early morning and be having the baby a few hours from now. And now with the whole CAR issue there are new worries I hadn’t even thought to consider before tonight.

Ryohei got the car from a dealer in his parents town which means that is where he is taking it to get looked at tomorrow after my appointment but there is no way I am going to go with him esp. if we have NO car + we are stuck an hour away from the clinic in case something happens. Honestly.. if they are willing to just take me and induce me tomorrow then so be it… now that we don’t have reliable transportation esp. if the car is in the shop its just safer for me to be in the clinic than not.

Nothing is going as planned and for a person who likes to have things under control that is very hard to accept. I have way too many emotions bubbling up inside of me at once to deal with it all right now. Sadness, frustration, regret, pity, anger…

I told Ryohei how much I regreted ever coming here… that we should have stayed in Kobe and I should have worked at my job another year or two and that we shouldn’t have had a baby – but that its not BG’s fault. Its not like she asked for us to make her… All my anger and biterness just poured out and like two weeks ago I just cried and cried and cried for hours… At this point it doesn’t take much to set me off and the shock of everything plus the gradual building of frustration was like mixing baking soda and vinegar.

Oh… speaking of baking. Ryohei had stopped at the store to buy us mini-chocolate cakes to celebrate the weekend on the way home. I didn’t know until later this evening since after I heard the huge crash of metal on metal before he came stumbling through the door everything is a blur. I can’t hate a man who looks so much like my daughter probably will and brings me chocolate cake without any warning…. but… its still so hard. I really really wanted to just pack up and go home – not like it would solve anything but that seems to be my automatic reaction when the going gets rough.

I just want a normal disaster free life with my husband and child… It feels like all these trials are not helping to strengthen that but instead make me rethink my choices over the past year more than ever before 😦


8 Responses to "Not Better Not Worse"

I am awake too- I woke up thinking “awesome- I slept!” Just to look at the clock to see yes I in fact slept but it was for less than 2 hours- fun, fun, fun. So now I find myself reading about Ryohei’s misadventure. Sure hope he is okay. He must feel terrible about this. Will insurance cover it?- sorry, will read the comments in the previous post b/c maybe you answered this already. Nice grandma in-law by the way- I thought you scored when she gave you a bag of potato’s but a car too? Wow.

This is all very timely- when it rains it truly does fall doesn’t it? Well, if you go into labour today and we are in Nagaoka while Ryohei isn’t we would love to pick you up and take you back to the hospital. Seriously, this will all make an amusing story in the future. I hear that some women go into labour with shock/stress so maybe this will finally do it- crossing my fingers Ryohei actually did you a favour by banging up the car.

I am thinking you can conveniently blame your mother and MIL for all this. You mentioned both you and Ryohei were late babies so maybe the last couple of days when they thought you guys were never going to arrive a quarter of a decade ago they bitterly mumbled the words to their bellies “I hope your child does this to you too” and voila- two over due babies who mothers placed the overdue “curse?” fall in love and produce another over due baby who has her parents on edge- mommy up all night with indigestion among other discomforts waiting for her and papa driving into large inanimate objects.

If you wanted to join us at the Art Gallery while Ryohei is in Uonuma we can swing by and pick you up- exhibition and dinner is on us if we make it up to Nagaoka.

I know you must be muttering to the universe right now “you must be f*@#ing joking”. Good chance it is but view it as being a strict and at times assholish teacher. The thing about control is we want it, think we have it but we have very little control indeed. Some say the only thing we have control over is ourselves- must have been said by a man. Emotionally speaking- try to have control when you have hormones careening in your body once a month during the menstrual cycle or as you mentioned before- being overdue, hormones pumping and body so heavy that you question if you can float and add in a shitty circumstance that adds to financial burden (which is commonly said to be the #1 discord in a relationship)- well you get the point. Ahhh it is good to cry eh! Anyhow maybe its time to look at that assholish teacher and say- “fair enough” I know it can get worse and I really don’t want that. Right now there is a hole in our pocket which I had no part in but I am young and smart and I know that when I am back on my feet I will sew it up. Thank-you for hitting us hard early in the marriage so we can learn from it equally early- maybe Ryohei will be a more attentive driver (much better to be that before you introduce BG to her car seat), maybe you guys will figure out how to not let unfortunante, uncontrollable financial issues drive a wedge between you guys. But ultimatley- maybe it will help you let go a little bit more. I remember reading about a woman on MIJ years ago who was pregnant for the first time and her husband died before the child was born. Or the Asian Tsunami that wiped out a whole family (her, her husband and children) that was a member of our foreign wife community while they were on vacation. Their stories hit very close to my personal existance. Time and money are fleeting- BG only has this one chance to be born to you guys the right way. I know it is so hard right now but she is coming very soon and on her own time. The thing you do have control of is focusing on how the precious few hours/days in the womb will be the last before she comes out of your safe place and into the world- no car accident in which the person is unharmed will ruin this time for you. Yes, it is very uncomfortable but sweetie… this is it she will (and she will, believe it or not) be born in less than a wink of time. The universe is playing ( a bit mean it seems) with you but refocus on the immideate more life changing task- bringing BG into the world as smoothly as a you can and letting this chance allow you to have the final say in how this pregnancy went “the pregnancy was shitty but the birth was pretty F*@#ing fantastic”!

Thanks Lily – this really means a lot.
And if you do make it down to Nagaoka today I’d love to meet up and get out of the house.

I’ll be in touch with you after my appt.

WOW Lily! Awesome words…..And I am sure they will help Sarah.

Everything helps! πŸ™‚
So much better to have a few kind words – it makes all the difference.

Oh Sarah… It’s so easy to fall into a big black hole and so hard to claw your way out (especially with a great big belly in the way to boot!) I am a huge control freak. Living by myself I had a whole daily routine seven days a week: 6:00 wake up and go for run, 6:30 brekky, 6:45 tidy 7:00 am walk to school etc etc all the way through to 10:00 bath and 10:30 bed. Having kids has been the hugest test to my patience and personality and I have been in tears of frustration and disappointment so many times because the baby didn’t know that super long/ short naps, sudden hunger, gas, explosive nappies and fevers were NOT part of my plan. Hell, waiting an extra 10 days for Meg to arrive was not part of my plan. I had made zero plans for after my due date- that was the day my baby would be here after all, written on the calendar and all.

5 1/2 years later? Hmmm, still get massively cranky when I’m trying to get everyone out the door and I turn around and Amy’s naked or Meg’s soaped herself to the armpits for some bizarre reason but I really think I’m a better person for letting go of the reins a little- scary as it is!

Hmm, rambling here but I wanted to say think of all the blessings (I think I got that from Oprah- twee but it works for me) when I’m in a total funk I try and find 5 things I’m lucky/ happy/ thankful for. Things like cute sleeping husbands and unexpected chocolate cake would DEFINITELY be on my list! πŸ™‚ Hope today’s a better day and you’re getting this sunshine I’m sitting in, too.

Its funny I used to not be as much of a control freak – it seems to have hit more in the last 3-4 years since I joined the work force (altho I’ve always been stubborn about getting my own way) and now I figure I have to sort of “de-learn” it and get back to going with the flow.

I’ll try and keep the 5 thing I am happy for on my mind. Right now its lemon bars, air conditioning, soft blankets, all the people who commented on this and the last blog, and Harry Potter 7 which I finished reading in a night.

Its not sunny here, but not rainy either… sort of mimics my current state of mind.

I’ve had to learn to let go, too. I actually think that’s why God gave us our surprise fourth baby just so that I wouldn’t be so smug about my ability to be organized and on top of things. I’m grateful because, to my great surprise, the house is more peaceful because of it. My husband is thrilled that when I leave the house I almost always forget something important because now we’re on the same level.

I totally agree with Lily. This too shall pass. It’ll be over in a wink. Also, raising children brings out the worse of our character. I think it’s a refining process to make us better role models for our kids.

Anyways, I am praying for you that things will move quickly to the next level. We’re all here for you.

I have yet to learn to let go. That might be why I am so permanently stressed all the time! LOL! I am one of those weird people who is incredibly laid back about some things but stupidly controlling about others.
Lily had some incredible words for you and anything I say will pale in comparison but I just wanted to let you know that Joey and I are here in London cheering you on and with the certainty that even if it doesn`t feel like it right now, it WILL all be fine. (((HUGS))))

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