Once Upon a Tanbo

Archive for the ‘loneliness’ Category

Yay its almost the weekend!!! Super excited as we have plans to go to visit the Gunma Foreign Wife contingent on Saturday. Will be meeting up with Laura (Japan Mama) for the 3rd time and Sophie and another foreign wife plus sprogs for the first time ever woo hoo!! There will be 6 kidlets aged 3.5 months (mine!) to 3 years – should be fairly crazy. Slowly meeting everyone on my blog list in the area.. don’t worry Kyushu gals we will make it down there soon enough.

Ryohei turned in his placement “wishlist” today and put down the office in Niigata City as his first and only choice. He doesn’t know if they will be taking someone this year and tells me he’d actually prefer to go there during his 3rd year but thought it wouldn’t hurt to show his interest. We were up there last weekend to visit a museum exhibit and it is a nice place. They actually have my bank there! Only one in the prefecture… so I was able to go and take a look at my balance for the first time in about 4 months. Niigata City is nice and I am crossing my fingers we will get to live there for a year or two. Does mean getting to Tokyo when I want to visit will be a bet more expensive/take longer BUT since I actually have a FRIEND in Niigata City. I’ve been trying to get myself out there… even went out with A-chan and her family but it just isn’t the same as having a buddy who can speak the language and understands the whole living in a foreign country thing.

So thats whats been going on really… Sakura had a better night last night. She had one feed around 11:30 and then slept until 5:30! First time I’ve had a long stretch of sleep for a while… woo hoo. Made things so much easier today.

Tomorrow we are leaving for Ryohei’s parents to spend the night then off to Gunma for the afternoon! NEXT weekend we are trekking out to Shizuoka to visit Nay and Naoki for the first time in a while. Then its just 2.5 weeks until Sakura and I head back home for Christmas. Need to keep myself busy as sitting at home twiddling my thumbs is a real bummer.

Toodles!

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well the silver week holidays are over and we are moving on into october… hard to believe

first wanted to shout out to heather for a wonderful stay at her house earlier this week. not only were we treated to a delicious homemade pizza oven pizzas and brazillian sausages – but she and her daughters took us on a tour of downtown matsumoto!! we had a wonderful time and thanks so much for helping me with the baby. also really loved the board game that all us “adults” played!! so thank you so much for having us and i hope we can visit again when sakura is a bit older and more “fun.” i think heather’s daughters – amy in particular were disappointed in sakuras lack of being able to play but they loved “petting” her and calling her “pretty baby” – made me giggle!!

ryohei is back to crap work again… there is a bunch of stuff going on early oct through my birthday in mid october so pretty much wont be seeing him til late at night and maybe one weekend day a week… hes not working til midnight every night but at least when he was salarymaning it up in tokyo i would have been close to all my tokyo living friends…

sakura will be 2 months soon and shes been going through another grumpy patch the last couple days which has not been fun. at least we have her bedtime routine down somewhat. on a good night from bath to asleep it takes about an hour on a bad night… 3 + (sigh) shes also taken to WAKING UP MORE AT NIGHT. up until this week she was getting up once for a feed and then would sleep until 5:30-6ish… now shes waking up 2-3 times a night. GAH. shes also sucking on her hands constantly even when i’ve just fed her so im guessing its more of a comfort thing than a hungry one?! all this guess work sucks – i cant wait to have baby 2 and be a pro at all this stuff. poor firstborns they really do get all the experimentation (am a firstborn myself)

this month had a lot of “activities” but next month i dont. however im planning to go to osaka/kobe beginning of nov. and shizuoka to see nay end of nov. and then its only a week or 2 until my christmas visit to the us!!!

also al waiting to see if the magic 3 month mark (oct. 28) is what it is cracked up to be with less crying and a more “social” and “portable” baby. interestingly enough 10/28 is ryohei and my 3rd annivesary as well.

also.. can someone explain the whole “baby cant see until they are 3 months old thing” i ran in to one of the grannies in my neighborhood who upon hearing sakura was 2 months said – i guess it will be another month until she can see then. um… sakura can track or a face now – im pretty sure she can see… where do the japanese come up with this crapola?! someone save me from the inaka and all the backwaterness that goes on here esp. when childraising is involved :/

evening

Posted on: September 6, 2009

ryohei should be home in about 3 hours

sakura is napping again which is giving me some precious internet time. i took some of the nap with her as i was completely exhuasted from only 4 hours of sleep last night.

so now i can write a bit about yesterday. i had a WONDERFUL day with lily in niigata. sakura and i headed up on the shinkansen using special tickets for use within niigata prefecture. unfortunately… its close to 3000 yen for round trip so its not necessarily a trip i can make weekly or even biweekly but monthly works and def. talking with lily was priceless. it was just the two of us and our babies and we went to a bookshop where i got the last book in the the “twilight” series.

we then had lunch outside at this little cafe. it was a beautiful day not too hot or cold. the babies slept for the most part although sakura peed all over me at one point… but the food was the delicious and the conversation was great. we talked about parenting, the way life changes, inlaws, being foreign wives… it was so refreshing and great.

in kobe i used to have similar “dates” with girlfriends at cafes and outdoors but since movint to niigata – no friend and no cute cafes…

i really like niigata city. it actually looks like a city. nagaoka is a “city” but still a dirty inaka feel to it… no offense.. just watching the scenery on the shinkansen it went from japanese style dirty buildings and rice fields to pretty buildings, parks and high rise buildings in niigata city. id be happy if ryohei could be transfered there in a year or two like he talked about. i am just such a city girl… even being in nagaoka isnt ideal for me but compared to the super inaka alternative its ok

anyways like i said i had a great day with lily. it was encouraging because she said her first son was a lot like sakura and she got through it and went on to have two more (adorable) boys.

i know i should try and find some japanese friends around here but i always feel a bit more comfortable around english speakers/western mentality… maybe its just cause i have the baby and it seems like im being judged soooo much more now. i roll my eyes at all the advice and comments that i get on a daily basis. even yesterday at niigata city some old lady was watching me play with sakura and asked if she could see. not the first time i was asked that… i have no idea why they think babies cant see until there 2 months or so. my mil and gmil said the same thing… its one of those things like the always cold thing or stupid other stuff

ok but im ranting so ill stop now…

anyways cant wait to see ryohei tonight. i missed him and was frustrated with him for going off and having fun.. but mostly missed him although i feel like i never see him anymore. i miss “our time” so much. we always did so much together and now due to sakuras arrival im too tired and busy to do anything and the baby sort of limits night stuff since she is a demon then.

oh well.. i know eventually well be able to do stuff together… just a few more months i guess. i feel like all have to say about being a parent is complaints. there are good things too… but honestly the frustrating out ways the fun at the moment and as my blog is more of getting my frustrations out there you have it…

anyways sakura is due to wake up anytime now so my freetime for the evening is over. we are now heading into 5pm + which is the worst part of the day. just hoping with ryohei around tonights bed time wont be and horrible as yesterday.

Sakura’s 3 week growth spurt hit today with avengence…. I think I’ve spent at least half of the last 12 hours feeding her. Def. not the normal 2-3 hours inbetween feedings that I was used to…

We will see how night is… I usually get her to go for a 5 hour stretch, wake up for a feed, then another 2-3 hours but if daytime is any indication I can kiss that time goodbye.

Im going back to the clinic tmw for my 1 month check although its a few days early but my stupid husband has work related commitments for the next two weekends after this so looks like this is our only time…

A bit lot miffed at this stupid work trumping family – but not a surprise considering ryoheis most please the company japanese man mentality. He has a 4 day long festival Mon – Thurs and then electiond half of Sat and all of Sun. Then NEXT weekend hes going on a mountain climbing trip. ass…

So I’ve been convinced to go stay at his parents starting this Sunday through next Saturday instead of being alone with the baby all week. Not so sure how I feel about all this.. but whatever. I’m the one doing most of the parenting already anyways… so much for the help and support.

Anyways this week has had a share of good and bad days with the baby… weds i was in tears and going insane from lack of sleep but yesterday was fairly easy. Today has been trying with all the feeding but at least the inconsolble crying has been at a minimum.

I have been horrible about responding to emails and msgs but i am reading them. anyone who wants to visit is more than welcome.. i am so lonely and wish i had another set of arms around to hold the baby or just someone to talk too…

ive been going on walks to get out of the house but really wish i had friends nearby 😦

Today wasn’t such a great day although there was no particular reason for it to be like that. I got some nasty upper tummy/rib cramps today.. they didn’t feel exactly like the one’s I had a while back so maybe a round of braxton-hicks? I really haven’t felt any of those yet… BG was also moving around a lot when I was having the pains so maybe she was putting a lot of pressure on my upper tummy. A soak in the warm bath helped and I felt better since but I couldn’t eat anything for dinner since I was so uncomfortable and had to listen to my MIL being overly concerned the whole time. I wish she would just leave me alone… I know she is trying to be helpful (?) but I am just cranky and don’t want anyone to be around anyone who A. isn’t Ryohei or B. doesn’t speak English. Yes – I know I sound like a horrible brat but thats just how I feel right now.

Had a bit of a cry tonight for the first time in a while. I am really missing my friends – of course my blog into real life friends but also my Kansai friends. I miss being able to hope on a train and about 300 yen and 30 minutes later be talking and enjoying time with good friends like SassyMoo, Corinne, and Beamies. The worst thing about being here is having no one close by to meet up with for sure… and it makes me so insanely jealous of anyone living in the city area with a plethora of foreign wife type friends to meet up with. I’m a fairly social person and being on my own all the time is so hard… I’ve had a few offers of people to come visit me here… but it just seems like such a waste until after the baby is born and we are properly moved in… I can’t do much now anyways – I felt so horrible about being so useless when Nay and Laura came to visit a couple weeks ago… and esp. meeting someone for the first time I would want to be a better hostess than just lying around like a moo-cow all day.

Have I mentioned I want to not be pregnant anymore?! I honestly feel like a small whale or something… probably weight about the same too. Bring on the magic -500 calorie a day breastfeeding.

Anyways – Ryohei was pretty nice tonight. He listened to me cry and let me use his leg as a pillow for a bit – yes we have our fights and disagreements – but he is very supportive usually and I think he feels really bad for me sometimes. He asked if I was having Mama Blues which was a nice way of asking if my crazy hormones were responsable for some of the downpour and I said most likely. I tend to cry a lot during PMS time as well so I’m sure that lady hormones are part of the reason why I have been so blue.

Theres more but I guess this isn’t really the time or place to talk about it… I’m getting tired and BG is starting to wind down for the night so might as well see if I can get a few hours of sleep in before the next potty break.

Night all

Well Ryohei is at nomikai #2… I’ve had a nice bath so I feel fresh and relaxed… I’ve eaten some “Toblerone” chocolate so I feel full of sweet goodness…

But somehow its not enough. 😦

Anyways I had my appointment yesterday which went pretty well. Had some blood taken as I could pay with my Kobe “free money” tickets and my doctor said that she would do it so I wouldn’t have to shell out for it in Niigata.

BG looks good from what I can tell. The doctor spent a long time looking at her on the ultrasound which I guess was diagnostic screening – of course nothing was said to me… But if there was an issue I assume she would have brought it up by this point.

My latest ultrasound picture isn’t very good but I’ll post it anyways. Its a “toilet” shot as well as a “profile” of BG sucking her thumb. She’s been doing that EVERY single ultrasound since the 20 week one in America…

I can’t wait for tomorrow to be over since I’m looking forward to Nay coming this weekend as well as a big picnic for a lot of my foreign wife friends and their families in Osaka on Sunday.

After that it will only be one more week until I can see Ryohei again.. we’ve officially passed the previous “longest we’ve ever been apart” record and its lonely for sure. Being pregnant and hormonal doesn’t help…

Night all!

I am one of those lucky individuals whoses moods are easily influenced
by the weather. In particular bad weather. Today I woke up to grey skies
and a slight pitter patter of rain. The main thing I hate about rainy
days is waking up to them. I like to lay in bed listening to the
soothing rain sound and be lulled back into a deep sleep, not so much
the case on a Thursday morning where I still had to shower, make a
packet of Chai tea, and get dressed/ready for work.

Despite these obstacles I was off to work and everything was ok, but
then I realized I left my cellphone in my apartment. Since I had just
left the building I decided to go back and get it.. thus adding an extra
4 minutes to my journey and causing me to miss my usual train. However
the train after it is still ok to get to work on time, just a little
more stressful since I usually like to arrive a few minutes early.

I’m starting to get more and more annoyed with the whole fingerprinting fiasco that will
be starting in Japan as of the 20th. It makes me so frustrated, and
although I am planning to send a letter and complain, I fear that it
will be a long time until things anything will be done. I’m not planning
to take an international trip until March so maybe the government will
have started to take some sort of actions by then to reacify what is
sure to be a disaster. For me personally the inconvience of waiting in
lines will be about it (besides the feeling of being degraded just because I wasn’t
born Japanese) but by not even offering benefits to those with PR or
Japanese children…. I hope that they rectify this or abolish the whole thing altogether. (yah right)

The thing is I really like living here.. I’ve thought about, oh what if
I moved back to the states, but honestly at this point there isn’t
really anything driving me to do it. I suppose if I could find a good
job.. but I know anything I want would be out of my league at this
point.
Besides the fact that I wish I could find clothes that fit properly (I have a white girl ghetto booty), and I
wish I could eat international food more often.. I really like
living in Japan. Even if I got a job back at home I would really want
one that would allow to travel back here often.

Anyways, I’m just feeling down. And the gloomy rainclouds outside my
office windows aren’t helping.

I’m so tired of being alone. Every morning I wake up alone. Every night
I go to bed alone. I can talk to a small video box on my screen for
however long I want but its not the same. And its not going to change
for another 4 months. Sometimes it doesn’t feel like things are ever
going to work out and we will be in this holding pattern forever. The
days when we actually lived close enough to see eachother every weekend
seem far and unreal, like they were just a dream. And, the time we spend
together now is so fleeting and also feels unreal. I want the real
thing. I want the coming home and having a person, and the fights and the making up,
and the little things that annoy you, and making dinner for two, and watching a movie to relax and falling asleep halfway through
and mostly not feeling so alone all the time.

Ryohei really is a great boyfriend. But its not great, because hes not
here. And no amount of talking on video chat is going to make me feel
any different. I’m pathetic..